Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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