and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
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