I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
