Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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