Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
