Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
