my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Even my vagina gasped.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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