my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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