i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
