is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
