he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
