A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
