just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
