Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
