tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
