umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
