You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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