went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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