he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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