Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
