How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
