Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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