Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize