Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
