Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
