last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
