HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
