Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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