Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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