We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My breasts were aching with rage.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
