Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
