Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
