I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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