my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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