ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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