i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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