We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
