U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
