About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
