I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
vagina is talking i cant
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
