it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
