Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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