You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
