Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
