Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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