life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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