I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
