Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
