What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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