Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
