I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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