Already got asked if we're dating
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
