you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
