This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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