Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
This house was built for laser tag.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize