she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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