so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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