DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
