i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
