Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
