HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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