yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I cannot find my penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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