I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
