My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
