I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
