ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
