How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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