i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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