You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
