i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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